Friday, May 4, 2012

Blue Screen of Death: 42 Error: There Seems To Be A Hardware Problem.

The only good thing about this gruesome video is that Joe Girardi looks like a flying squirrel when he's running to the Outfield in his BP jacket. Actually, that's pretty awesome. But I digress...

Oh, Mo. Can this really be the end? Future Hall of Famer Mariano Rivera, #42, the greatest Closer in baseball history, seems to have torn his ACL and Meniscus after a misstep shagging balls in the Outfield at Kauffman Stadium, and is awaiting confirmation by NYC Doctors, cuz everyone knows that NYC Doctors are the only Doctors who can read MRI's correctly. This is true, actually. I ruptured my LCL once and was diagnosed incorrectly by a non-NYC Doctor (probably from Kansas City) who told me it looked fine and I just needed some PT. A year later, when I still couldn't walk, I went to a real, certified, NYC Doctor, with an office on the island of Manhattan in an actual hospital and everything, and he was all, "YOU HAVE NO LCL!" Then he sawed part of my Tibia off and re-attached my knee at a different angle with some screws, and strapped my leg into a machine that continuously bent it for me for 4 hours a day so the muscles didn't atrophy, then I had to do PT for another year, but now I walk just fine.

My point is, Mariano is going to miss the rest of this godforsaken fucking season. There was speculation he'd retire at the end of the year, but there's no way this motherfucker is going down without a fight. Mark my words, they have the technology-- they will rebuild him.  Don't kid yourselves- they are already injecting fetal stem cells into that shit.  He'll be back in 2013.  I think.  In the meantime, David Robertson is inheriting the Closer role. Rafael Soriano is taking over the 8th. And Phil Hughes is going back to the Bullpen, where he belongs.

Anyways, it could be worse. Mariano's tight Panamanian Yankees Butt seems completely intact. So, there's that.

We'll all miss Mo in 2012, but my fantasy team will miss him the most. Pity me too. Speaking of which-- get well, Swish. NOW.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

It's Baseball 2012!

Get out there, boys-- the Super Bowl is over and IT'S FINALLY BASEBALL SEASON!

This Off Season brought some changes that Yankees fans should be excited about. Most importantly, the acquisition of RHP Michael Pineda, a Young Stud from Seattle, who is the gold nugget in a deal that sent our Slugging Savior, C/DH Jesus Montero to the Mariners. With great Catching prospects like Austin Romine and Gary Sanchez on their way up, and plenty of other DH options to choose from (or get stuck with, depending on how you look at it), the Yanks scored huge on this one. So long as Pineda's arm (and butt) don't fall off, he's a fantastic addition to the Rotation. With the future of Joba's wonky elbow and Phil Hughes' dead arm in question, the flame-throwing Michael Pineda is at least one reason to look forward to Yankees Pitching in 2012. Another, is that Hostess filed for Bankruptcy protection in January, which can only mean that CC Sabathia is still on the Diet Train to Healthyville (be patient, it's a Local). ALL ABOARD!!! WOOO WOOO!!

Friday, October 14, 2011

Brewers Got Hart… and Braun!

Okay, well, the Yanks season ended up being a total flop at the end. A-Rod didn’t look too bothered by the fact that he struck out to put the final nail in the coffin (again), and I’m still convinced the only reason he swung was because he didn’t want to strike out looking (again)- cuz then he’d be some kind of shithead, yah? The fact that they brought him back from the DL about 3 weeks too early should sit well with Yanks fans during the entire off-season.

However, despite what you may think, the Baseball season is not over! We’ve still got the final rounds of post-season going on! And it’s a KICK ASS POST SEASON!!! Many of you may not care, but there are plenty of non-Yankees Butts still playing amazing ball! Yankees Butts would now like to go on record and officially throw our endorsement behind the fantastic Milwaukee Brewers!

More specifically, we would like to get directly behind the fabulous Corey Hart, our Viking in RF. Corey would have no problem crushing one into the upper deck, burning your village, throwing you over his sturdy Norse shoulder, and whisking you off on his next adventure chasing Cod around the Atlantic. I wonder what kind of helmet he wears in the off-season? I had to be all sorts of stealth, taking pics of Corey from within the Bleacher Creature who repeatedly taunted him with their “Horse’s Ass” song during the Yanks/Brewers series back in June. Hart stood there and took it. Now, that’s a Viking!

And if Vikings aren’t your thing, maybe adorable Jews are? This is where the fantastic Member of the Tribe and LF Ryan “The Hebrew Hammer” Braun comes in. Opposite of our beloved Viking, Ryan wears his pants a bit on the tighter-side, and I’m totally okay with that. Ryan might be the most dangerous Jew since Hitler. “Oh, did you just throw a fastball at my head? Try to find someone to do your taxes this year, dipshit!” You should see that boy pick up a penny. L’chaim!

Good luck to the Brewers! Yankees Butts salutes you!!

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Yankees Clinch (... the AL East)!

Congratulations to the New York Yankees on clinching the AL East last week! We at YankeesButts couldn’t be happier! The above pic was snapped at the stadium as the celebration began, and while we can’t be certain exactly which Yankees Butt it is, to the trained eye, it appears that Nick Swisher is about to grab a bottle of bubbly and go to town on his teammates! Ahhhh, grown men in goggles, dousing each other in alcohol, surrounded by cameras. Is there anything more homo-erotic sexier? Smells like the Post-Season!

As much as we’d like to do a crazy-eyed drunken Irish Jig in response to the Red Sox’s late-season implosion, you gotta admit, this week has provided some intense, stressful, and incredibly entertaining baseball! And if Red Sox fans needed another reason to hate the Yanks, they got it, watching the B-Team blow a 7-0 lead and serve the Rays an extra-innings victory, courtesy of an Evan Longoria walk-off, line-drive, home run! Bucky Dent, Aaron Boone, & Scott Proctor?! A special YankeesButts thanks goes out to the Baltimore Orioles for keeping the curse alive by way of Robert Andino! Like good ol’ Teddy Roosevelt once said, “Do what you can, with what you have, where you are!”

Tomorrow’s ALDS opener will deliver a pitching duel of epic proportions: SABATHIA vs. VERLANDER! Fingers crossed for Yankees Butts through the 4th week in October!

Monday, July 4, 2011

The Grandyman's Can

Ahh, hello loyal readers, and welcome to a slightly belated start to the 2011 Yankees Butts season! Thanks for tuning in! It's been long enough, let's do this!

It's only fair to start the 2011 season with one of the most productive players of the first half: CF, #14, Curtis Granderson. Grandy is one of the American League leaders in both Home Runs & RBI's and the MLB leader in Runs scored. In addition to being awesome on the field (like when he belted one out of cavernous New Shea the other night), The Grandyman is awesome off the field too, where he donates his time to organizations aimed at helping inner city youth, schools, and athletic programs. He's a spokesperson for both RBI Baseball & First Lady Michelle Obama's Let's Move, Anti-Obesity Campaign. Curtis is a 2011 AL All Star and an all-the-time outstanding human being. He's also got a super cute Yankees Butt.

Here we see him warming up the Outfield with #11, Brett Gardner at last Tuesday's game vs. the Milwaukee Brewers. Please note the high-socks* & fantastic Yankees Butt!

Curtis Granderson is motivational in more ways than he even knows. Grandy is officially my Muse. And I've never once seen him in an Ed Hardy shirt, which scores him some mad Extra Credit points, cuz that shit's like Crack (ha!) to Baseball Players.

For all these reasons and more, The Grandyman's Can gets our 2011 First Half MVP MVB Award. Most Valuable (Yankees) Butt!

* my favorite.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

A-Rod's Quest for 600.

It's been awhile, but rest assured, Yankees Butts has not left you. I've read your complaints/threats, and realize there's a great need for some Yankees Butts action STAT.

And never has a Yankees Butt needed us so badly as it does right now. Alex Rodriguez just happened to be strolling along one day and hit 599 home runs without anyone paying attention to him. Every day since: 30 reporters ask him why he hasn't hit #600 yet, the fans come flocking to the freak show and blind him with camera flashes, Umps are switching out his balls (ha!), and poor A-Rod can't even go to the Hustler Club without someone shoving a "#600 TONIGHT?" oak-tag sign in his face. It's a real mind-fuck.

That's why A-Rod is getting a nod this week. Don't mistake it for sympathy, because it's actually a Vote of Confidence. A-Rod,

We know you're gonna hit #600. And if not-- if you manage to play out the rest of your career without hitting even ONE MORE home run, you've always got that fine Yankees Butt to fall back on.

Love, Yankees Butts
It's been nearly 2 weeks since his last home run. He needs our help. So, during his next at-bat, take a good look and think about everything A-Rod's Yankees Butt has done for you over the years. It's time to repay the favor. If we all work together, maybe-- just maybe, we can will that ball into the third-tier... or at least over the short porch.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

And They Just Stood There...

As if they knew a totally cute blogger was admiring their fine Yankees Outfielding Butts from the bleachers.

Yes, they're also assessing (ha?) the damage from the recent boxing match that destroyed the precious field, but more importantly, this spontaneous photo-op from the recent Phillies series has afforded us a chance to throw some love out to the 2010 Yankees OF.

#33, Swishaa's trimmed down in the off-season with great results, #11, Brett Gardner has become the productive pest that everyone had hoped for, and #14, Curtis Granderson made an immediate positive impact in the lineup. When healthy, he adds flow. The more I see him play, the more I dig his style. Grandy is the type of guy who knows where his library card is. I can say for certain, that it is in neither of his back pockets. I tell you whut.